Frienemies

A dear friend asked me to address frienemies in the blog. Over lunch, she and I discussed how to handle those in our lives who appear to be friends, but who leave a host of cold pricklies in their wake. I wasn’t going to address it in the blog, because some of my lunch conversation sounded harsh. (When I suggested she say to her frienemy, something like, “Do you mean to sound so bitchy?” my friend was looking for a pod by our table as she was sure someone had body snatched the real Mimi.) Over the past several days, however, the theme has been reoccurring. The value of true friendship isn’t to be taken lightly. Neither should you discount your power to move frienemies to a new ring in your friendship circle.

Here’s what I mean. Everyone has rings around their being that represent degrees of separation between “I’ve got your business card” and “I’d take a bullet for you.” Personally, I think there’s an even closer ring (because taking a bullet for someone sounds heroic), which falls into the “I’d stand beside you even if it meant the loss of my own standing.” In my life, there is only one person who has ever fulfilled that promise, and I married him. Rare is the person who will allow themselves to be uncomfortable or risk feeling awkward on behalf of another.

Betrayal, dismissal, rudeness and exclusion…they sting. In business, the damage to relationships can seem irreversible. I was shocked to hear an astute business man describe a group saying “one of my only true enemies is a member.” It felt odd, hearing that out loud. I wondered if I would notice if I saw him and his nameless enemy pass in a hallway.

It’s not that I don’t have enemies, I’m sure they’re out there, I just don’t know them. There are people I’ve moved to a ring farther away from my center, but I don’t believe they’re aware of their relocation. And I don’t love them less, I just let them harm me less.

I work hard not to become bitter when I am hurt. Bitterness yields to darkness in the corners of my soul where grievances are nurtured. Instead, I’ve tried to practice what my mother taught me—that each hurt bears a significant learning opportunity—not just to educate us about how to avoid being hurt again, but to reveal how we contribute to misunderstandings or assumptions that lead to the deterioration of trust.

I used to be so frustrated when my mother would work to help me see the perspective of the aggressors in my life. She used to say, “If you’re hurt, someone else is hurting too.” When I was in my 20s, she admitted there were times she wished she had taught me to make a fist instead. She said, occasionally, it might not have hurt to knock [my childhood tormentor whose name will go unmentioned] in the nose instead of working so hard to understand her unhappiness.

Most of the time, I can remember those lessons. Because I learned to be happy regardless of others estimation of my value, I can float in my Glenda orb in a state of contentment. Just last night, someone commented, “you always look happy.” I guess I never think about it. Maybe I’m an isolationist, but I can usually get the orb airborne if I just focus on things that are good and the goodness that can move through me.

Think less about what happens to you, and more about what happens through you.

I believe Eleanor Roosevelt mastered this mindset. I need my friend historian and author Susan Reyburn to chime in here, but it seems that much of Eleanor’s depth and understanding of those whose walks were so unlike her own was the result of living through some great heartaches. Regardless, she certainly presents timeless advise for those of us sorting out relationships and how we handle the frienemies of life. So, surprisingly, I’m going to quit talking now, and we’ll close with wisdom shared by one of the greatest women in the 20th century…

“If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault.”*

“Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

“Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

“I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.”

“When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?”

Great words to grow goodness by…good day friends!

*FYI…in Mimiland, most people warrant many more chances than two!

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