A New View

For the past week, an article from the Philadelphia Inquirer has continued to resonate with me. While I could provide the highlights for you, I urge you to take just a moment and read it…

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/front_page/20080408_One_couple_s_differences.html

As I age, I realize that parts of my attitude and behavior seem to improve, while others diminish. Or perhaps as I gain insight in some areas, I am more likely to realize all I lack in others.  You see, I find I’m losing my patience, and that makes me sad. So lately, I have been working at quieting my sense of righteous indignation and learning to peacefully co-exist with a wide variety of opinions. I went back to this quote I read years ago in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. One of Stephen Covey’s Harvard Business School professors, Hrand Saxenian, defined emotional maturity as:

“The ability to express one’s own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others.”

I often talk about the existence of many ways to be right…that no one has a complete perspective…that even those whose opinions we may discount can contribute to a complete solution…etc., ,etc., etc. But recently, I’ve needed to spend more time practicing what I preach. I need truly to open my heart and head to others’ perspectives and regain that sense of balance that came more easily to me when I handled life more gently.

I’ve noticed a physical correlation as I learn to let go of the emotional vise grip I have on my own perspective. Yoga instructors talk about creating greater inner space through the way breathing is expanded and muscles are stretched. I have found that if I go through a few of those physical steps as I am listening to a person with whom I don’t agree, my emotional response follows the physical one. I am a bit more flexible, more open and relaxed. If you knew what a failure I’ve been at yoga (I did get stuck in a position once and required unbending by the instructor!) you’d find this especially amusing. But just as the benefits of yoga don’t always require pretzel-like contortions, neither are Herculean efforts required to shift our perspective in order to honor another point of view. And the subtle stretching of my preconceptions create more space for greater understanding, which, as we learn from David and Farah, can be our ultimate objective.

I think we may limit our potential to live out those kind of mutually supportive relationships with one another for fear of what we might lose. If our “side” doesn’t win…we assume we’ve lost. But what I find out when I practice this approach (and I say practice, because I am not at all proficient at modeling this wisdom regularly) is that I have more. More information, more honest respect for a new perspective, more humor, more patience and certainly more love, as the letting go of self righteousness and ego is the kind of sacrifice that loving behavior requires.

So let me know what you think of the story of David and Farah. Tell me how you practice the art of understanding. I think if we share our wisdom, we can work toward a much more peaceful world. That would be good indeed.

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