Assumptions…Life’s Little Shortcuts

“If others tell us something, we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand, we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.” From page 68 of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz…

How many times a day do my assumptions trip me up? I’d say enough that it’s a wonder I am upright. I make assumptions about what a sigh means coming from any family member; the underlying messages in responses—whether immediate and full of joy or delayed and distracted; what the person is thinking who is talking to me but staring at the row of gray hair marching neatly down the center of my part. Other assumptions are on a much larger scale. They can lead to wars, neglect and broken relationships.

On the business front. I think assumptions aren’t always made in the absence of courage. I think they occur in the absence of time. Perhaps a leader assumes she has all the facts; “knows” the players; or that everything will work just like it has in the past. It seems far more expedient to head straight down the mountainside rather than sticking to the trail. Weighing the options carefully, investing the time to understand and utilize the skill sets of everyone on your team and making sure you’ve identified and isolated any selfish motivations…all that take time. However, anyone reading this can see those are the type of stepping stones that keep good leaders out of the mud.

On the home front. Yikes. Sometimes, I have met people who have been in unhappy relationships for many decades. They leap so naturally to their standard assumptions about the other that you can see the patterns in their relationship almost before they can. The bitterness and discontent wear a path in the shag carpet of their lives and they know no other way. The same can be said for the way we respond to other family members. If you haven’t heard your brother say anything kind in 25 years, why should you listen now? Well maybe you should sweep the assumptions and the limitations of your past experience aside long enough to listen differently.

On the Mimi front. I just witnessed a bridge built over the chasm of assumptions and misunderstanding between my husband and a good friend. Hurt and broken trust had swathed itself around our house like a wool muffler on an August day. We were hot and prickly and we couldn’t move forward because all these assumptions just kept holding us back. Then—TAH DAH—two grown men stopped, reached out and listened to one another. They replaced their quick and incomplete conclusions with communication that signaled a new beginning. It took work, and humility, and they did it.

What if the assumptions with which you wrestle aren’t based on miscommunication. What if, as Ruiz indicates, they exist because of an absence of it. When you hear your inner voice say things like, “I know just what he’s thinking…” guess what…you’re on the road to Assumption Nirvana where no one needs to communicate—a raised eyebrow will do—and no one needs to gather facts because, after all, someone else has probably already taken care of it.

It’s hard to break the assumption cycle. Let’s start by addressing the telepathic model. More words of wisdom from my Grandmother…“If you’re going to imagine someone is saying something about you, imagine they are saying something nice!” Even if I didn’t think those third grade girls were whispering about how darling I was, this insight led me to the realization that I truly had no idea what anyone else was thinking about me. Then, as I aged, this wonderful, liberating thought joined that one…it really didn’t matter! God and I know me and that’s enough…enough forgiveness and fresh starts…and more than enough blessed assurance that I’m of value.

So, assuming you struggle with assumptions the way that I do, would you like to join me in celebrating an Assumption Free Day? Whether you’re finding yourself assuming something about another driver, a candidate, a restaurant or your spouse. From the huge to the seemingly insignificant, let’s spend a day identifying and moving around our assumptions. Let me know what you discover! I hope it makes more room in your spirit for good things to grow!

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