Expecting Great Things…

So what do you expect?

Expectations are tricky aren’t they? We have come to think of them as synonymous with standards or goals. However, the role expectations play in our lives is much more critical, as they often establish a parameter that defines the experiences we have. Sometimes, that framework of expectations unintentionally becomes a barrier to greater joy, higher performance and increased self awareness.

I had my little Aha! moment about expectations in my 30s when a friend was describing things her husband had done for her. The list was long and loving. Then she came to the one thing he hadn’t done that completely infuriated her. Listening from my perspective, I was still in awe of the list of spousal achievements, and I could hardly wrap my head around exactly why she was so furious. It was simple, really. She expected him to do something. He didn’t. And in her mind, that was that.

We apply our expectations to everything. When planning a vacation, the anticipation of the trip is half the fun for me. However, I’ve learned not to let my joyful anticipation become my controlled expectation. It’s a constant battle. We expect events, people, marriages, and ourselves all to unfold according to our plan. How many arguments have included the words, “I expected more of you!”

So here’s where expectations trip us up. Let’s use the case of expectations for an employee. You expect all your employees to be outgoing. Imagine “friendly customer service” as the expectation set horizontally in your mind like the bar a pole vaulter must clear. Employee X is a great guy. He’s good at analyzing data; quick to offer to help with projects; he’s never missed a deadline and has a knack for finding creative solutions to customer problems. But he’s an extreme introvert. He is always on the edge of every gathering and he has no conversation skills. So to you (let’s say you’re in sales by the way) he just doesn’t clear the bar. You’ve sent him to workshops and training seminars; you’ve done your best to mentor him…so now, maybe you even take his friendliness failings personally. Maybe you think you’ve expected too much of him and he needs to be moved…either into a less demanding position, or out of the company.

Here’s another favorite example because it’s a personal parenting lesson. You expect your children to be good students…even honor roll material…they do, after all, publish that in the school newsletter! So you have a child who is loving, respectful, a wise and perceptive human, great sibling and friend, and a delightful companion. He just doesn’t care about school achievement. In fact, his grades are Cs and Ds. So, whoosh, crash! Down comes that bar on the framework of your expectations. All you can think about is academic progress and the certain doom the lack thereof casts over his future.

So maybe expectations are about perception, too. We become so focused and close to what we expect, we forget to step back and see everything in context. Reading this right now, maybe you’re seeing the great attributes of the employee and the son, and you’re wishing you had team members and children with some of those great skills. All the expectation-blinded one can see is what is missing.

Sometimes, we expect things to go badly. We may have a co-worker we are sure is manipulative. Perhaps one hour and 45 minutes of a two-hour committee meeting has gone by when all of a sudden she says something like, “I’ll be glad to take a look at that for you [boss].” In our mind, we can’t even see that we have had nearly two hours of good team work, we focus on the “there she goes again…” mentality. We might do the same thing to relatives and friends that have a “thing” that bugs us. We expect them to do that thing, we are sure we know why they do it, and we may not be able to name all the moments of fun and kinship with them, but we can name every time they met our expectations by doing that “thing!”

Here’s a thought…remove the expectation bar. What’s surprising is that you will see everything that is happening below the bar in a new light…it’s not below the bar…it just is what it is, and much of it is wonderful! In fact, if you quit focusing on the bar of expectation, you might be surprised what is happening way above the performance standard you erroneously set. People might surprise you.

And when you are disappointed, step back and make sure you keep the moment in context. Honest feedback means we can tell people how a relationship or conduct can be improved. By seeing the whole picture, you may even be able to help them translate some of the talents and skills they already exhibit into the areas that need to improve. Maybe they’ll even be grateful for the feedback and you might learn something, too! Who would have expected that!?

0 comments 0 people listening

Sign in

• Comment help
• Get Livefyre

Post comment as

+ Follow conversation Following - Unfollow

Post to

Sort: Newest | Oldest