Manners Matter

Mommas don’t let your babies grow up to be…

No, not cowboys.

Most cowboys I know are well mannered and respectful. And I bet I know more cowboys than you’d guess.

The word that came to my mind is unusually harsh. I was thinking, “…don’t let your babies grow up to be BRATS!”

It came to me when I was in the lobby of my daughter’s dance studio, and was nearly knocked off my feet by about four little girls, age six and under, who were screaming and running from one side of the small office to the other. I suspect I became a target for their ranting kamikaze practice as I stood waiting to pay my daughter’s tuition. I turned to go, but couldn’t. The mothers of the little ballerina banshees were so engaged in their own conversation that they were unaware they were blocking my egress. I tried to go around them, but couldn’t wedge myself between one’s very large shoulder bag and a display of dance wear (this, of course made me feel large, and they were quite petite and blonde…so my ire increased!) Finally, I said, “excuse me.” One of them said, “oh.” Not “oh! we’re sorry!” Just, “oh” and she pulled her friends out of the way, so I could get out and another mother/target could come in.

The absence of a sense of civility and manners in children is a bit of a soap box issue for me, and this recent event just brought it to a head. At one point in my career, I had drafted a program for a local school superintendent with the idea of helping entire schools become more civil. I offered simple ways to engage students, support staff, teachers and parents in being better mannered. The superintendent said she loved it, and then she resigned. So I resigned myself to leave the whole issue alone and trust parents and teachers to figure it out themselves. But they’re not.

Here’s a brief Mimi on Manners overview. If you are involved in a school, home, office or place of business where you think this could be of service, perhaps you can just print this out (leave the permission on the bottom please) and hang it on the wall anonymously.

1. Manners are a means to build a civil society where everyone is treated with respect, and where goodwill is fostered.
2. Manners exist not to constrain individual behavior but to make room for more individuals to share societal benefits, such as public spaces.
3. Manners are not something children should get to choose. They are something that should be demonstrated by ALL adults, and imbued in our children along with the qualities of honesty and fair play.
4. The best way to teach civility is to model it daily. Here are a few simple examples…

1. • Hold the door open for others. Boys can hold open doors. Girls can hold open doors. Everyone can open the door for anyone…especially our senior citizens…and EVERYONE can say Thank You!
   • Make eye contact. If you work at a front desk, if you’re the custodian and if you are the CEO, make eye contact with people who speak to you.
   • Shake hands. In an ideal world, teachers would make eye contact and shake hands with every student in their classroom at least once a week. Some young women and men go through their entire school experience without shaking hands with an adult until they receive their diplomas. Teach children how to shake hands and it teaches them to affirm another.
   • If someone is at the front of a room speaking, you shouldn’t be speaking. Period. Whispering to the one seated next to you counts as speaking. Teachers, this goes for you. There are special resources for professional speakers on how to address groups of educators because they are notoriously rude. Don’t contribute to background noise.
   • Be soft spoken. Max Ehrman said it best in the poem Desiderata…”Avoid loud and aggressive persons for they are vexatious to the spirit.” Teenagers yelling at their friends across a mall isn’t cute, it’s offensive to anyone who didn’t come inside to listen to yelling people…that would be most of us. Children shrieking and out of control isn’t a darling display of creativity, it’s an infringement on others’ right to be sane.
   • Please and Thank You ARE the magic words! Please, thank you and I’m sorry are phrases one should know in many languages.
   • Share space with consideration. When you enter the wilderness, leave only footprints. When you enter a corporate lunchroom, a public bathroom or any other shared space…leave NOTHING! No dirty dishes…no trash…nothing that requires someone to pick up after you. We could have saved a forest if we hadn’t had to use so many pieces of paper to convey the words, “Clean up after yourself. Your mother doesn’t work here!”
   • Practice spatial awareness. Whether you are boarding a plane, walking down a hallway, sharing a subway or a grocery aisle, you are responsible for the objects you carry or steer and for the pain they inflict on others.
   • Be kinder and gentler to others than they are to you. Civilitiy doesn’t involve paybacks. It involves rising above and moving on. Especially on the freeway.
   • Step back when you’re waiting for an elevator so others have space to disembark.
   • Be aware if you cut in front of someone in your progression toward any line. Stop. Apologize. Let them go first.
   • Be aware. This is really all civil behavior requires. That we be aware of one another and the right to share mutual space with the occasional bonus of kind treatment. Be aware. Be kind. Be good. And help the goodness grow.

Reprinted with the permission of The Bloomin’ Blog and Goodness Grows® 2009

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