Mind the Gap

Between stimulus and reaction, there lies a…

…gap! And what we do with that gap makes all the difference.
Perhaps you’ve noticed the warning message along the train and subway tracks that remind you to “Mind the Gap”. The results of ignoring the message in that case can be quite severe, even deadly. The same can be true if we ignore the gap afforded us between the time a message reaches our brain and the instant we choose to respond.

I first encountered this concept in the late 90s in the only self-help book I have ever read cover to cover—Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. Encountering this simple principle changed my outlook and the way I justified my actions. No more could I say, “You made me…”. After all, the stimulus and response aren’t directly connected. There is a gap between them in which I choose how to respond—no one can choose the response but me.

Often we hear that if we’re angry we should count to 10 before responding. Why 10? Why not 17,382? The space we need to form a response sometimes needs to be greater. Some responses are simple: “Can I buy you lunch?” can be immediately followed by, “Sure!” Other times, we hear words or see things that inflame an immediate response that isn’t the most appropriate. At those points, it’s important to stand in the gap and embrace the stillness there for as long as it takes to calm down, to consider options, to gauge the true significance of the issue, or to laugh, cry or get over our preconceptions. Okay…if I really waited to get over my preconceptions, no one would ever hear an answer from me on anything even mildly controversial. But when I’m confronted with a challenging form of stimulus—an idea or a person—it’s important for me to remember that my perspective not only isn’t the only view to the truth, but also that I might be (deep breath) wrong.

The gap can also improve the way we communicate, or in this case, cease to communicate. The gap can be that moment when you stop talking (such a wonder when it happens for me!) and listen, and look, and wonder what the other chap might have to say! We, as a society, seem to be more and more uncomfortable with silence. Stimulus/response/stimulus/response/stimulus/response. It’s the pattern of our day. We need to create gaps in which we can be mindful. Instead, if there’s a lull, we immediately dive for our favorite electronic devices and engage our thumbs so that our brains can continue the stimulus/response cycle. We are addicted to noise and distractions. And when we are conversing with other people, we often launch into a litany of information that so intoxicates us with self importance we fail to learn what great and good things might lie in the heart of another.

So I challenge us to listen more; to unplug ourselves from the exhausting influences that promote the stimulus/response cycle; to embrace stillness and listen to what silence might reveal. Mind the gap.

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