Speaking to be understood and bad flies

“I’m so sorry your daughter caught a bad fly!”

That was the expression of concern emailed by a beautiful and incredibly intelligent friend of mine who is a doctoral student from Eastern Europe. Her first language is not English. It must be very puzzling to try to figure out English expressions full of colloquialisms or double meaning. It’s easy for English-speaking folk to understand what someone means when they say, “I’ve caught a nasty bug.” It is an entirely different matter for others who may wonder what on earth catching insects has to do with someone who apparently is suffering from a bad cold or who has been ill.

For those of us who want to be understood, communicating clearly and in ways that build effective relationships isn’t just limited by language barriers. As much as I’ve said in this blog about how to be a good listener…and I’ve said a lot! Read  Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

for a short course…there is still more to be said about how to speak so others can understand you, and more important, so people want to listen to you.

First—What you have to say is rarely as important as you think it is, so don’t get caught up in the trap of self-importance. Few of us will ever have Gettysburg-like moments where the first six words we utter last well beyond our life time, or where, as in Lincoln’s case, people’s sense of purpose and healing hinge upon our direction. (Gosh…I always thought I wanted moments like that, but think about what a significant responsibility that is!) But back to real life and your encounters at work, in committee meetings or even with your family. My not-so-scientific guess would be that only about five percent of what we say really has to be heard. I mean things like, “RED LIGHT!” and “I’m sorry, this isn’t my prescription.”

When we wrap our minds around the actuality of our situation and when we see ourselves as we really are, it can help us lighten up. When we aren’t as focused on contributing; sounding important; sounding less stupid; sounding more intelligent than the person we don’t like; sounding funny…whatever… we can boil the essence of communicating down to what really matters—that which must be said.

Do I mean that you shouldn’t communicate unless it’s of the utmost importance? Heavens no! I encourage you to share more, say more, risk more, open up more…it’s how we’ll solve the problems of the world! I just think there are a few steps to consider that may make your communicating more effective. I’m sharing them because I’m still in the process of learning them myself, and I’ve had to learn some of these things the really hard way. So maybe I can save you a bruise or two to your sense of self.

Assess the situation. Before you add your perspective, be sure you understand what is really at stake. Learn what is being discussed and what the critical issues are by asking good questions. And then, by all means, please please listen to the answers. This will save you time and will keep you from wasting the time of others by taking the conversation in a direction it shouldn’t go.

Limit background information. Very rarely does anyone need to know all that we want to convey. Through your assessment, you’ve already gained an understanding of where the other person/people are as far as awareness and understanding. Perhaps you’ve learned that you really don’t need to add anything. Bless you for that! But if you’ve learned that what a person really needs to know is what time it is, simply tell them. This is not the place to introduce them to your theories of clockwork or the time/space continuum. For instance, right now, I’m really tempted to tell you about the email exchange that took place in 2008 that finally taught me this lesson, but I won’t, because it’s not important to your understanding of my point.

Speak in bullet points. Big toughy for me this one, because I love to find just the right words to express myself. That’s not necessary. As John Mayer sings, Say what you need to say. People can remember more if you make it simple.

Guess not what others think. I wonder how many solutions to great problems or small broken hearts lie in unspoken words. And I wonder how many of those words went unspoken because they resided within one who had already decided how the words would be received. You don’t know! So speak! Listen. Speak. Listen. Understand a little. Speak a little more. It’s a process and you shouldn’t presume you know what anyone is thinking…ever. Especially don’t presume you know what your teenager is thinking. It makes them angry and then you’ll never have the gift of hearing from them what it is they really do think.

Speak gently. I am a person with very few regrets, but the few I have stem from times I’ve lost my patience and spoken in a manner that was offensive and motivated by something other than love. Whether it was in a professional setting, or a personal one, the minute my jaw felt tight, I would have been miles ahead by simply changing my tone and choosing a gentler message. It wasn’t always what I said, it was often how I said it…or yelled it. I know I’ll never be perfect, but I do wish I could be more patient and more gentle. My tongue is my gift and it is my weapon. I need to practice weapon safety lest the innocent get caught in my cross fire.

Think first. I suppose this goes hand in hand with the point above. When I give media relations training, I tell leaders to take their time with interviews. To stop and think before they answer and to be sure they understand what is being asked. I always remind them that the “pause” can be edited out of a video clip, and that at worse, a print reporter might write, “and Meredith paused for a moment before answering…” Hmmm…I wish the worst thing that anyone could ever say about me was that I stopped to think before I spoke.

Write it down. If you’re in a meeting and someone is asking you questions, take notes to be sure to capture every element of the question and then be sure you’ve answered it. If you don’t have a piece of paper, end your answer with, “Did I answer all of your question?” Maybe it took all that person’s courage to ask the question. Maybe they were afraid of seeming foolish. Maybe not, all I know is that such moments offer an opportunity to honor one another.

Well, the sun is sinking on the snowy ground outside my window, signaling me that maybe that’s enough for now. Perhaps I’ll think of something more to add later. Or perhaps you’ll think of something to say. If you have a thought to share…this is a very safe place to try out your voice!

Speak. Listen. Speak. Listen. Listen some more. Understand a lot more. Grow goodness.

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