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What Do You Fear?
I think fearfulness is the root of all our mistakes and errors in human judgement. You may say it's greed, but even greed can be categorized as the fear of not having enough or not having it all.
It may seem that I am advocating fearlessness.
That's not it.
What I am advocating is awareness.
When you know your weaknesses, you can recognize the situations in which they might sabotage you. When you know what it is you fear, you can do the same.
Because I have a very limited fear of failure...almost zero (it's a bit freakish, really) I thought of my self as somewhat immune to fear. Then, in a moment of raw personal exposure with my Vistage group, my Vistage Chair asked me,
"What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of failing?"
I explained that I truly wasn't. He began rummaging through is papers as he continued,
"Then what? Everyone is afraid of something. Everyone has at least one of the four fatal fears." And he showed me this list...
FOUR FATAL FEARS
- Failure
- Rejection
- Emotional Discomfort
- Being Wrong
And there it was. That thing that I was most afraid of and never even thought to name as a fear. And it was limiting all my progress.
I could, in that instance and in my commute following the meeting, see the pattern of sabotage that fear had wreaked on my existence. It had limited not just my professional growth, but my relationships and my understanding. Who knew it could be so liberating to simply say: I am afraid.
Of course, the key here is that once you know that "thing" you begin the hard work of dealing with it in a healthy way. You learn to hear its footsteps as it carries in a new supply of worries and anxiety. You learn to flush it out of your decision making process so your own perspective and fearfulness doesn't throw off the process for your team.
You may never be fearless. In fact, fear works on our behalf in many situations. You will never be perfect (I know...there I go again with that raining on your parade business...so sorry!). But you can be aware. And awareness is the fertile soil in which great goodness can grow.
Fear is at the heart of so many different problems for people -- anxiety, reluctance, anger, and pain. I've tried to take a healthy look at my own fears whenever I feel anxiety rising in my body. What is that fear and why am I letting it take over? Fears seem to naturally evolve over time and circumstances, and recognizing and addressing them seems to be the first step in dispelling of them. I'm taking it slowly, and hopefully I'll see results!
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Likeannedreshfield Anne, I just shared your comment with my daughter. I think it's awesome that you are so intuitive and that you have strategies for how to respond to the wisdom that inner voice is conveying. I'm sure you'll see results, as will those around you who benefit from the improved decision making and relationship building skills you have!
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LikeMimiMeredith Thank you Mimi! Half of the reason why I try to be intuitive is to be able to explain my behaviors (like in comments to blog posts!) so, thank you!
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LikeThis is a great topic that I have blogged about many times. I say many because some of my fears have changed over time while others have evolved. One of the reasons that I blog is because it provides an easy system for me to deal with whatever fear I may be feeling.
And that awareness makes all the difference.
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LikeTheJackB Awareness is, indeed, the road less traveled.
I think our fears change somewhat with the position in which we find ourselves in life. And I'm glad you address those fears in blog posts. I do, too. It's part of what I think we're meant to share in this communal space we're creating. Have a great day, Jack!
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LikePS - still curious what benefit you are getting from the Livewyre service. It took me several login attempts (and I concede much was user error) but it seems like it will prevet comments in the log run.
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LikeTammyM I hope it gets easier and easier to use Livefyre, though my sister tells me she has issues remembering her password. Since I use it on many blogs I read each day, I just never log out and my identity pops up automatically. As a comment feature, I like it because it encourages comments within the community. You can reply or "like" other comments directly and often, whole new conversations evolve. It's sort of like when you know you've thrown a really great party by how many people leave as "long lost friends" who never knew each other before they came to your house. That's what I'm hoping to create here, but it will take some time to get the blog reestablished in its new space. Thanks for sticking with me Tammy!
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LikeA little stage fright is a good thing but effort spent because we feel threatened is something to get over. It's an unhealthy way to live.
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LikeTammyM So true. Generally, the effort spent defending or justifying or whatever it is we feel required to do when threatened leads us know where but down or backward, right!? I agree about the stage fright working in our favor at times. When do you find it to be a good thing and how do you help people who may find it to be debilitating?
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LikeWhat, I thought I was perfect? Now I'm afraid I will have to re-think this whole thing.
Some fear is a good thing because it does heighten the senses and increases awareness. That feeling you get when you are in between bites of food and the Rotary president asks if you will give the invocation at the joint meeting of clubs in front of 500 people; and your minister is at the head table. True story and of course I did the only thing I could do and say "no problem". I mean really, what was the worst that could have happened; people started dying as soon as I opened my mouth? Not likely, huh; but it did give me moment of pause to collect my thoughts as to what I was going to say. And yes, I did have that feeling in my stomach....:).
Out of the four fatal fears, I'm ok w/ failure and being wrong as long as I know I did everything I could to make it work or be right. Subconsciously I do fear rejection, which causes me emotional discomfort and at times it has affected my decisions on how I acted (or chose not to act). Probably not the best fear to have if you are in sales so I do have to work at compartmentalizing it and not take it personal in business situations. On the personal side it can be harder at times but I think it is human nature; it just affects some more than others.
Good to see you Mimi and hope your day is going well.
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Likebdorman264 Bill, that is a classic Rotarian moment! Way to rise to the occasion. I follow the same methodology of facing down my fears...the worst case scenario approach. It's amazing how quickly it can put things in perspective!My fear is of being wrong. It doesn't inhibit my ability to make a decision, but boy I spent years being oh-so reluctant to say, "Whoops...this was the wrong direction!" Instead, I'd spend enormous time and energy making it right. It's still a struggle. And fear lurks in other concerns, too, but I do so love liberating myself from it. And my heart aches for those who can't.
I'm having a spectacular time at my sister's lake cottage, Bill. Thanks for asking. There's so much moisture in the air here, it reminds me a bit of Floria! My hair is even frizzy!! You'll have to share your secret for overcoming that!
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