What to do when Words Do Hurt You.

Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!

That, for those of you who may be too young or too sheltered to remember, was the famous playground retort when no more appropriate or adequate response came to mind when someone hurled a mean remark your way.

Life’s cold prickly moments still occur for grown ups. Many times, our knee jerk response is to revert to playground politics. But, professionally, you wind up looking like a dweeb when you hurl edgy insults at clients or coworkers, (and you may not have either one for long if such behavior is part of your personal SOP) and personally, you diminish the potential for goodness in situations when you fail to stand in the GAP and consider a better comeback than “Do your annual reviews reflect your inability to work well with others?”

Recently, a colleague was recounting a miserable scenario. A client (gotta have those) was justifying unprofessional conduct (um…hired another vendor to handle part of John’s assignment…ouch!) and, to make matters worse, was projecting all sorts of motivations on my friend (“So John, You feel….”) with no effective listening or attempt to truly work toward a remedy.

What’s a person to do? He needs the client. She’s not going to change her communication skills to suit him. The rest of the account functions smoothly. Here are some of my top thoughts for similar situations. Please comment away and let me know what you wise folk think.

1.     Don’t take it personally.

There is nothing that can be done outside yourself that can cause lasting damage to your reputation. Your character is your character. You know who you are, and in the end, what others think doesn’t matter—you are sufficient!

Truly, unless you are the target of a conspiracy—and if you do think they’re all out to get you, they have professionals and medication to help you—no one can ruin you. Certainly, there are some passive aggressive personality types who spend an inordinate amount of time manipulating people and events, but you can deal with them by…

2.     Ask open and direct questions.

“So Sue, what are the steps you suggest we take to improve communication and outcomes on this project?”
“Sue, when you studied this proposal, what were your initial impressions?”

By asking good questions at the beginning of a conversation or meeting, you disarm those who appear to be bent on destruction (and remember…we don’t know what really motivates others because it is not our job to psycho shrink the world). Their power is in lobbing out the last big negative bomb seconds before the meeting adjourns, or worse, in casual conversation with stakeholders outside the meeting. By giving them the stage right up front, it makes their opportunity for commentary clear to all involved.

3.     Be loving.

What? That’s not a practical enough business concept for you? Love is the great diffuser. If you go into a situation looking for a fight, guess what you’ll get? But, if you go into a situation ready to practice peace and with a heart that truly seeks to find good; to see the other perspective; to honor the merit of feedback…and asking  yourself “what good will this do?”…Guess what, a little goodness might grow.

4.     This too shall pass.

There are beautiful crocuses buried under the spring snow in this photo. My sister Libby snapped this shot just before the sun came out and melted this temporary set back to the crocuses blooming. So it goes my friends. Bad things happen. Good things happen. They pass. What you make under both sets of circumstances will make all the difference.

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