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Created Any Good Misunderstandings Lately?
"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place." George Bernard Shaw
You speak. You write. You've communicated. But were you understood?
What if you weren't? What if the enthusiastic response you anticipate instead is an awkward silence? What if you continue to have a gap between intention and implementation?
There are times when we know we've been misunderstood. Those are the fortunate times, because we can respond. But what response will clarify, calm and clear the way for more effective action?
When you've been misunderstood,
Do Not
Repeat yourself. It worked so well the first time, why not just use the same message over and over? Surely it will break through eventually? No, but eventually, everyone will nod their heads in agreement simply to get you to shut up.
Belittle. "I thought I made myself perfectly clear." Meaning...you idiot, anyone can understand this! If the message has left someone confused, it is less about their inability to understand and more about your ability to be understood. If you don't need buy-in; don't want to build a great culture and don't care if you increase productivity, than just blame all misunderstandings on the ignorance of the audience.
Change your tone. I love it when I don't understand someone, and their response is to say the same thing again, just in either a more patronizing or more strident way. Yessirree, no better way to get my attention than by yelling at me or talking down to me. My response is to either punch them (which I've never done...but I have day dreams in which I open major cans of whoop ass) or smile politely and do exactly what I want to.
Do
Own the problem. "I think I may have failed to express what I really meant..." is a far better start to resolving a miscommunication than "apparently you didn't understand..."
Learn. Find out what the other person's take away actually was instead of assuming what they understood or, worse, relying on hearsay.
Fix it. In person. If you can't meet face to face, at least pick up the phone so you can listen to understand what the other person is telling you, ask clarifying questions and test your own understanding as well as theirs. These steps are covered in a post cleverly titled Listening to Understand. Another post that might help you if you continue to find yourself picking up pieces of broken communication efforts is how to speak to be understood.
Ask for feedback. To be of any benefit, communication must be two-way. By opening a channel that allows the other person to tell you what they heard and what they think about it, you will go miles toward improving your relationships. And that will improve everything.
Great points Mimi, and really easy to remember too. I've always noticed the greatest difference between a good teacher and a bad one throughout my schooling is that the good one will always have multiple ways to explain the same thing, the bad one will just hammer the same method until its lost all sense. Luckily in private education you can get the bad ones fired ;)
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LikeMattieTK Hello Matthew, that is so true about teachers--whether they're in an educational environment or training on the job. I think it's all related a bit to one's ego, and those who have a passion to truly convey understanding vs. those who feel they're entitled to being understood. Speaking of understanding...do I really have to learn HTML? I've been avoiding it so effectively for so long!!
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LikeSuch a great post. Lots of common sense. And very actionable. The only thing I'd add to the mix is "DON'T "Ask 'Do you understand?'" 99% of the time people will say "yes. But they only understand what they understand at that point, they may not understand what they need to get the job done right. "DO Ask "Can you you tell me your vision of the assignment, what success looks like to you.'" This way YOU have a solid understanding of what they truly understand, you can reinforce it, and then course-correct, adding in those things in which you weren't clear the first time.
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LikeKensViews You're exactly right! I think "do you understand" is a sure fire way to kill communication. Honestly, who's going to admit (particularly to a boss) that they don't understand!? Remember...listen. test. listen. test....:). Thanks, Ken!
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LikeI just talking louder; that usually makes people listen better...........I say that jokingly, but I'm sure I have done it; all the while saying the exact same thing my audience didn't understand in the first place.
You provided good tips for making sure everyone is on the same page type approach.
Since you are a long time married like myself; think there has ever been any miscommunication going on there? Mars? Venus?............:). Now that we are empty nesters and the noise has quieted down some we are actually communicating much better by using some of the techniques you described. I am also working on being a much better listener and trying to stay in the moment and not just think about what I'm going to say. I believe this helps understand the message as well.
Thanks so much for sharing this helpful tidbit of info. I hope your week has gone well.
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Likebdorman264 It's been a great week, Bill, thanks! And you're so right about marriage and communication. 27 years tomorrow and we, too, are getting better and better at mastering understanding. But it's always work...and it's always worth it in all relationships!
The listening technique you describe is exactly what I present in my communication workshops. If we're spending all our time deciding how we'll respond or looking for holes in the others argument, we aren't going to carry away any idea of what they're really trying to tell us.
You know...I think you and I sound like we're practically perfect!! Here's to continued practice and those who put up with us :)!
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LikeI thought that the point of a good misunderstanding was to practice sarcasm. ;)
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LikeWell, I can resort to that in a heartbeat. There is that sad satisfaction we get hurling a good barb. Consensus building, bridge building...it has a different, less sensational reward and often not nearly as immediate.
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