Recently, I heard my husband describe to some friends an experience we had shared. He reminisced about all the fun our family had together and how proud he was of his children and the hilarious moments they created. If I had been asked to describe the same weekend, I would have painted a picture of absolute dysfunction, because that is what I was choosing to see in the retrospective view.

Not only did my husband’s recount jolt me back into a broader reality, but it reminded me that optimism and pessimism aren’t just how we see the future, but how we reflect on events of the past…what we choose to hang onto and allow to fill our inner spaces. My husband, not normally identified as the optimist in our union, was choosing to hold onto the good stuff. In the retelling and sharing, he was nurturing those good memories and letting them take root in his spirit…and to find new ground in mine.

I am never sure why it is that it is so much easier to dwell on things that have hurt us rather than things that have brought us great joy, but I think it’s important to train our spirits to seek first the goodness and to find our power there. In personal relationships and communication, this shift in perspective can be huge.

Think of someone or someones with whom you struggle to communicate or have a damaged relationship. Chances are, when you think about that individual, your mind goes straight to a point of contention in your memory. And, if you are anticipating an encounter, you may already be projecting all that residue and thinking through how you’ll respond when it happens “next time.”

What if instead, you intentionally spent some time reflecting on the experiences with that individual that resonated with goodness. Maybe it was just a time you agreed on the weather…start there. Then force yourself to collect moments of shared goodness…did you laugh at a joke together, work side by side for a cause, comfort one another in sorrow? Whatever it was, try to let memories of better times fill your spirit. Those can become the new foundation for what lies ahead.

As you build your relationship and continue to communicate, try to remove the labels and expectations you have for that individual. We are all much bigger than the assumptions any one person has of us, regardless of how well they know us. Think of the individual who you experience in a certain contentious role. Now think of him or her in all the other roles you hardly know, or the ones you may overlook. We become so focused on what we fear or dislike in a person that we forget to see God in them. We forget to listen without the filters of defensiveness or judgement.

As you climb to higher ground, beware of another danger. As we begin to see how we can broaden our perspective, we may take on a sense of false superiority “look how wise I am to be able to look past your anger and manipulation to find the good in you…” The Apostle Paul warns us “not to go about thinking how wise you are…”

Letting go of our preconceptions and our focus on all that has the potential to be negative doesn’t mean replacing it with some set of cosmic karma-based coping skills. I think the best state is arriving in the moment with as blank a slate as we can possibly muster. It’s a mindset that says, “here I am and here you are.” You don’t even have to get the I’m okay, You’re okay mantra. Just let things be. It’s hard to become that open because we’re so used to identifying with an emotional state. We are conditioned to be prepared and to form opinions and thoughts. If it makes you feel better, think of the preparation stage as finding the good memories and the power of love that can make your heart ready to just “be” with someone. God will do the rest, if we let Him move past the barriers of our own theories and preconceptions. And once that happens, goodness has some room to grow!